tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87340240543211483762024-03-13T15:20:15.213-07:00The Absent Father Project by Rodney MuellerThe Absent Father Project is a site dedicated to supporting men in transcending the personal and professional impact of growing up with an absent or distant father.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-24713047770730951012016-03-02T15:12:00.003-08:002016-06-16T08:41:10.957-07:00Losing a Loved One<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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On December 26, 2015, I lost my grandmother. A woman who very much filled some of the void that my absent father left. She has always been there, my whole life, with a warm hug, a<br />
birthday card, iced cookies on Easter (she always a kept a few extra just for me) a ride to school or to share a Cardinals game together.<br />
<br />
I spent the last six weeks of her life with her day in and day out, at the nursing home, watching her slowly pass on to the other side. I had the privilege to feed her, to pray with her, to tuck her into bed, to love her back in the way she had loved me all 34 years of my life.<br />
<br />
The time spent with her is something I will always treasure. I take solace in knowing that when she left this planet, she knew how much she meant to me, how much I loved her and who she was for me.<br />
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It's been two months since we laid her to rest.<br />
<br />
This is the first time I've lost someone close to me and I HATE that it won't be the last.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
I want to share this with this community, those of you who were abandoned by a parent, because I can't help but notice how this triggers a lot of the same emotions around abandonment and old ways of coping with them.<br />
<br />
Here's what I'm seeing that you might identify with:<br />
<br />
1. I want to pretend that the feelings aren't there. I want to be done being sad. I want to go back to a world where my Grandma is in it. Perhaps, even more challenging than that, I have this way of putting emotions so far away, that it's difficult to even know that they are there. I just feel a little "off." Which of course makes the feelings impossible to move through, and feelings have to be moved through, or they own us.<br />
<br />
2. I can't help but feeling this desire to pull away from people and curl back into myself. I want to pull away from my wife, my friends, from myself, even.There is that voice that surmises, "People are going to leave anyway, what's the point of getting close or counting on them?" That voice gives way to what is the point of being with people anyway? Why struggle so much, why make myself vulnerable to such heartbreak? They're going to leave anyway, right?<br />
<br />
These two ways of being about emotions are so classic for someone who has experienced abandonment and they are exactly what I started this project to bring awareness to. To help myself and people like me find love and connection beyond these deep rooted fears and ways of shielding ourselves from re-experiencing the loss we felt growing up.<br />
<br />
If you find yourself here, I invite you to share it with someone, anyone, or at least share it with yourself by writing about what you're feeling. Part of this post right here, right now, is my own healing.<br />
<br />
Another thing to help you process the grief is to practice allowing the emotions when they come up. I've been watching <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FHYBQxURQo" target="_blank">Kelly Clarkson's rendition of Piece by Piece on American Idol</a>, over and over. Tears every time, and it is a must watch for anyone reading this blog.<br />
<br />
When we abandon our emotions, we abandon ourselves. And, when we shut off from others we lose the very possibility of having the sweetness of love and connection that we have yearned for our entire life.<br />
<br />
Let's stop hiding and protecting today; Together. You are courageous, because in the face of all the reasons you have, and all that is scary about extending your heart, you do it anyway.<br />
<br />
And, if you do, you create the possibility to love someone so much that you get the privilege of having a breaking heart.<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-80976415867317676922015-08-18T09:58:00.002-07:002015-08-18T09:59:37.594-07:00Radio Interview with Pete Saunders of Braveheart RadioI sat down with Pete Saunders, host of Braveheart Radio and a fellow fatherless son on August 13th <br />
to discuss Father Absence issues.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fVGDoxSwkEM/VdNjgSV1kQI/AAAAAAAANYE/vxNCJGjo8BE/s1600/Braveheart%2BRadio.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fVGDoxSwkEM/VdNjgSV1kQI/AAAAAAAANYE/vxNCJGjo8BE/s320/Braveheart%2BRadio.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
In the interview, I share some of the my personal story and how I have worked to overcome the impacts of growing up with an absent father.<br />
<br />
We also discuss what defines an absent father, the top 3 impacts of growing up with an absent father and some steps to take if you are dealing with some of those impacts.<br />
<br />
I hope this helps you or someone you know.<br />
<br />
Click the link below to access the link to the show.<br />
<br />
<h2>
<b><a href="http://wsradio.com/081315-healing-the-father-absence-wound-with-rodney-mueller/" target="_blank">Braveheart Radio Interview with Pete Saunders</a></b></h2>
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<br /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-75121616143777635932015-07-21T10:50:00.000-07:002015-07-21T13:37:43.774-07:00The Day I Stopped Believing In FamilyI was born on October 23, 1981 at 7:32 pm. I entered the world like most children except for one very important thing, there was only one parent in that room.<br />
<br />
In the absence of my father, I became very close to my grandfather, Hank. He was a World War II veteran who had served in the 1st Infantry Division and by all accounts a grumpy old man, who drank too much and had a stern attitude. But, not for me, I adored him and he adored me. I think I was a bit of a second chance for him to express love to his children in a way he couldn't when he was younger.<br />
And, how could you resist my two year old face, looking for the love of a father, crawling on my hands and knees, barking and panting, pretending to be a puppy.<br />
<br />
In November 1985, my grandpa, the closest man in my life lost his battle to lung cancer. At age 4, I lost the closest man in my life who was in my mind the father that I didn't have.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Although, I didn't know it for many years, in that moment, I decided that I no longer believed in family. What evidence do I have? All the people who are supposed to be there in my life, are not there in my life and if they are, they are going to leave anyway.<br />
<br />
I thought family was supposed to be there for you, love you, accept you, be something you can count on, no matter what. I think we all intuitively expect that and most definitely every child deserves that kind of family.<br />
<br />
Everything I had experienced in the most formative years of my life served to obliterate the ideas of what I though family should be.<br />
<br />
I came to the realization recently that I stopped believing in family. It reminds me of the many people that I speak with who don't believe in God. I totally get it, for most of them, they feel that there couldn't be a God in this world, because they had been let down so many times. In there mind there is no possible way that a God could exist in a world like this.<br />
<br />
I think I made a similar assumption about the concept of family. I didn't know that I made that decision when I was 4 years old, but I definitely lived the next 29 years of my life that way.<br />
<br />
As I reflect on my life so far, I realize I have built my life so as to not rely or depend upon anyone, even my family. I've tried to do everything possible to not need to count on anyone. I'm determined to make enough money so I never, ever have to ask someone else for it. This is probably the biggest one, the idea of relying on someone else for money is terrifying.<br />
<br />
So, I have an incredible drive to keep working, keep making more money, keep finances straight and save for retirement. Some people would call that discipline or determination, the truth is it's just deep rooted and profound terror of the idea of counting on someone else only to be disappointed again.<br />
<br />
If I look more closely, it's in all of my behavior. This constant avoidance of counting on others or asking for support. I do whatever I can to avoid asking for a favor, I even try to sense other's needs so I don't make them uncomfortable.<br />
<br />
This was all working "fine" until the last couple of years, going along pretending I didn't need anyone else, I got to achieve things, make money, look good, and never veer into the discomfort of being supported by others or being vulnerable with family and friends.<br />
<br />
As my wife and I have begun to settle down and prepare to create a family, I realize the thing I really want in life is community, people to share this life with in an intimate, loving and supportive way.<br />
<br />
Does anything really matter without having a community to experience it with?<br />
<br />
The downside of course is that in order to have community, you have to BE in community. That means being intimate, vulnerable, needing support, giving support, getting support, sharing yourself with others even when it isn't perfect or you don't feel your best.<br />
<br />
The inspiration for this post and my new realization about family came from attending my sister's wedding in Virginia Beach on June 27, 2015.<br />
<br />
You see, although my father was never present in my life, he left behind three daughters who I get to call my sisters, 2 older, 1 younger. They were similarly abandoned by our father and I met them at age 13.<br />
<br />
Although, we each had a profound connection from the first time we met, our relationship had remained fairly distant throughout the years. I blamed it on all sorts of things including our distance from each other (1 Arkansa, 1 in Florida and 1 in Virginia), I blamed it on being busy, being young and not growing up together.<br />
<br />
At our youngest sister's beautiful beach wedding, we all came together for the first time in almost twenty years.<br />
<br />
I was so surprised, more like shocked, by how excited they were for me to be there. I was overwhelmed by there love for me.<br />
<br />
I DID NOT UNDERSTAND. I didn't believe that I had earned their love, aka, I wasn't enough of a brother to deserve their love for me.<br />
<br />
And then, it dawned on me sitting their with my sisters at the marina side reception in Virginia Beach, the world I created where I stopped believing in family, where I gave up being loved and supported by others, was a world where I had to do something to deserve to be loved, I had to earn my family.<br />
<br />
I realized that they loved me for no reason, the same way I love them for no reason, the same way we all love.<br />
<br />
And that is the gift of family. To be loved for no reason, to be accepted and to be nurtured just because you are a human being.<br />
<br />
For the first time in this world, I'm starting to feel like I belong to someone and something. Like someone has my back.<br />
<br />
The biggest hurdle is to be willing to accept the possibility that you are worthy of love without doing anything, without earning it.<br />
<br />
I want to close this by telling you what this means to me and my life in hopes that it inspires you to lean into your family and other important relationships.<br />
<br />
Learning to allow love means that I can finally be at home and at peace. It frees me up to love the people in my life the way I intend to. It allows me to create intimacy and deepen the relationships with my family and friends.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2zIpvQPuKek/Va6GGPngNuI/AAAAAAAAKsc/p9AKLutCSow/s1600/FullSizeRender%2B%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2zIpvQPuKek/Va6GGPngNuI/AAAAAAAAKsc/p9AKLutCSow/s320/FullSizeRender%2B%25283%2529.jpg" width="239" /></a>Most importantly, the boy that was born on October 23, 1981 at 7:32 pm to a single mom in that hospital room, can now have the hole that was created by his absent father filled with more love, more nurture and more acceptance than he ever thought possible on that day 34 years ago.<br />
<br />
Thank you so much to my beautiful sisters Alisha, Amelia and Tonya for gifting me with your love <br />
for no reason and teaching me that I don't have to be alone in the world.<br />
<br />
Some Practices to take away:<br />
1. Who are the people in your life it feels most safe to practice allowing their love and support? Start with them. Let them love you and nurture you and tell you how amazing you are. Give them your trust.<br />
<br />
2. Consider that love is not earned, that love doesn't speak in the language of deserving or not deserving.<br />
<br />
3. Notice your fears around letting other people in to support you and the fears around allowing someone to love you and hold you. Notice that the fear is being with the prospect of being profoundly disappointed again, the way you were with your absent father. Consider that you've already survived the biggest disappointment and that you are strong enough and resilient enough to survive anything. Don't let that fear stop you having the community, the family and the friends that you yearn for.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-19077832454623436632015-03-17T13:06:00.000-07:002015-03-17T13:06:26.479-07:00How to Believe in Yourself<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-88cN374vrso/VQiJDTA0pII/AAAAAAAACBw/sJnJFoQ6DMk/s1600/Believe%2Bin%2BYourself.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-88cN374vrso/VQiJDTA0pII/AAAAAAAACBw/sJnJFoQ6DMk/s1600/Believe%2Bin%2BYourself.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a>Kids with absent or distant fathers are often missing that
foundational belief in themselves. Absent a <o:p></o:p></div>
loving and present father, kids are
forced to fend for themselves and create their belief in themselves on their
own with no guidance or backstop.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
It’s why so many of us became so independent at a young age. We craved
appreciation and encouragement<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and
someone to believe in us, to see our greatness and recognize it, and in the
face of not getting that met from a father (who should have been the sole
provider of that) we were forced to try to manufacture belief in ourselves with
our own unsteady willpower. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We became independent so we could avoid the disappointment
of another person letting us down. We decided to fend for ourselves, not trust
others and to take control of our belief in ourselves like we took control of
everything else.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The problem is that we determined that we needed to earn the
right to believe in our self. We determined that belief in self was measured by
what we accomplished, how good we did, how mistake free it was or on how much
approval/disapproval we got from others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From this way of thinking, the best we can ever be is tied
to how good or bad we did before. As you can imagine, this is pretty dangerous,
because most all of us are hyper critical about our performance in most
anything we do. Many of us hold a standard of perfection for ourselves and when
we don’t meet that, come crashing down on ourselves.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We wonder why it seems so easy for others to take certain
risks or show up powerfully. We idolize pro athletes who have the ability to
come through in the big game. We wish we could be as good as them. So, we go
and try harder, achieve more, do better, plan for contingencies and still we
flop around when it comes to the big moment or we somehow check out right
before the big moment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rinse, wash, repeat. The cycle repeats over, and over, and
over.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The quality we are missing, the thing we forgot, is that believing
in one’s self is a choice based on no evidence. A father believes in his son,
just because. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We didn’t have a Dad to remind us of this essential truth.
We didn’t have someone to pick us up when we were down. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this sad missing destroyed our concept of
our value and our ability to believe in ourselves.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For me, knowing this, I then go and practice believing in
myself for no reason. Sounds great, except I immediately get scared that I’m
being a fraud, or being too much,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or
doing it wrong.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve come to realize that this is simply part of the process
of learning to believe in yourself. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just like learning to ride a bike entails training wheels,
wipeouts and cut knees, learning to believe in yourself involves occasionally
feeling like a fraud, feeling like you’re being too much or feeling like you’re
doing it wrong.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s unsettling and off putting to the tightly controlled
sense of self we have created.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, I tell you this. I believe in you! I believe in you
because you are great human being, You are kind, loving, intuitive and
generous.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What actions would you take in pursuit of your dreams if you
practiced fully believing in yourself?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would you ask for that raise or promotion? Would you ask out
that man or woman you’ve got your eyes on? Would you create new levels of
vulnerability and intimacy in your relationships?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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What would be possible if you fully believed in yourself?<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-17264884758373167522015-02-13T17:41:00.000-08:002015-02-13T19:15:02.721-08:00Surprise, I've Got Needs and So Do You (and we aren't good at getting them met)This post is dedicated to Cammie Peterman of <a href="http://thebigboldlife.com/">The Big Bold Life</a>. She is a huge supporter, one of <br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6BveObMbPuE/VN6mfzpCSLI/AAAAAAAACAo/d93wVqS00rU/s1600/Rodney_Low-1%2B(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6BveObMbPuE/VN6mfzpCSLI/AAAAAAAACAo/d93wVqS00rU/s1600/Rodney_Low-1%2B(1).jpg" height="200" width="169" /></a></div>
those people that sees your greatness, it's impact and then reminds you of that. I saw her last weekend and she shared how much she loved the posts and wondered where they had gone.<br />
<br />
I haven't posted in the Absent Father Project for several months now. I chalked it up to not being inspired to write here, being busy with very exciting things like moving to San Francisco, coaching extraordinary human beings and leading teams, or perhaps the incredibly (mostly annual) dark period I experienced in the Fall of last year.<br />
<br />
The truth is, I noticed that I don't get much feedback on the blog. Not many comments and not many shares and not many likes. I ran out of steam.<br />
<br />
I feel like it comes with the territory and the nature of this writing. It's deeply vulnerable and personal, and talks about the very core of the issues and challenges we face as human beings, especially those of us who were raised with an absent or distant father.<br />
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="more"></a><br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
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To read it, takes courage. To allow it to impact you is even more courageous. And to let others know that you read it or it impacted you or that you can relate; well that is just downright SUPER HERO!<br />
<br />
While working through <a href="http://juliacameronlive.com/the-artists-way/">The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron</a> with a support group led by the brilliant <a href="http://www.mytraemeliana.com/">Mytrae Meliana</a> I got some new insights into what's going on with my creativity and more specifically this blog. For those that don't know it's a recovery program for your inner artist, and we all have inner artist, an inner creator.<br />
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<u>One of the most profound things I learned in sharing my work there so far is:</u><br />
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<i>A. It's not only okay to need positive feedback, encouragement and acknowledgement of my creative endeavors, IT IS MANDATORY.</i><br />
<i>B. I'm incredibly resistant to receiving positive feedback and acknowledgement of my creative endeavors and I pretend that I don't need it or I shouldn't need it.</i><br />
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<br />
Yet another installment of that little boy, who just wanted a father who saw him, acknowledged him, had his back when no one else did, AND the little boy who gave up on that, who decided it was better to not need anything from anyone ever, than it was to be with the excruciating disappointment of not having a Dad.<br />
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<b>Your turn: </b><br />
Have you noticed starting things that are important to you and then having your performance level off, not being able to sustain your the things you're up to?<br />
<br />
Consider you have needs and they aren't getting met. If you're starting something scary, get supported. If you aren't sure you are doing enough, ask one of your biggest fans. If you have a blog and you need some love sent your way, ask for it. Ask for it from your biggest fans.<br />
<br />
Leaders have needs. Human Beings have needs. The children of Absent Fathers have a tenacity, a self reliance, a strength that is unparalleled and remarkable in denying needs, but like any strength, overusing it is detrimental to your greatness.<br />
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<br />
<b>I have a request:</b> If this blog has ever touched you or someone you know, will you let me know? It would mean the world to me. It's like fuel to my fire.<br />
<br />
With Love<br />
<br />
If you're near San Francisco Check out the new Meetup Group"<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.meetup.com/New-to-SF-Entrepreneurs-and-Coders/">http://www.meetup.com/New-to-<wbr></wbr>SF-Entrepreneurs-and-Coders/</a><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-62708338782792859752014-07-24T11:06:00.000-07:002014-07-24T11:07:40.025-07:00No One is Coming For You<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-stZHWGIpUI0/U9FK7KkghmI/AAAAAAAABw4/xO4xeC3diCg/s1600/Home+wk8+Mon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-stZHWGIpUI0/U9FK7KkghmI/AAAAAAAABw4/xO4xeC3diCg/s1600/Home+wk8+Mon.jpg" height="105" width="200" /></a>Sometimes I feel like I am stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat. I row as hard as I can, I <br />
row through exhaustion, fear, despair and stress; and as hard as I row I still find myself in the middle of the ocean, no land in sight.<br />
<br />
So then I stop rowing, I get sad but I'm too afraid (or to proud) to actually feel that so I lie there in isolation, unwilling to move or do anything until I get scared enough to do something again.<br />
<br />
All the while, hoping that someone will rescue me, that some how someone will find me, see that I need help and bring me to shore.<br />
<br />
This is how the child of an absent father goes through life. We try as hard as we can, we work harder, we do more, we suffer, we do anything to achieve.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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All the while, in the background is that nagging inner child hoping that someone will notice them, some breakthrough will happen, some win will occur that will forever fix the feeling of being isolated, alone and unsafe.<br />
<br />
The real shit hits the fan when you become aware of the fact that "No One is Coming For You." No one can rescue you from the feeling that you are isolated, alone and unsafe. No magical breakthrough including winning the lottery, writing a best selling book or becoming famous will rescue you from the feeling of being alone, isolated and unsafe.<br />
<br />
The hope that someone or something will come to rescue you from your "problems" is rooted in the story or belief that you are not enough on your own.<br />
<br />
When you can give up this story, you can become the person you were meant to be. And when you become the person you were meant to be, you will find the peace, freedom, expression and fulfillment you have been clamoring for.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-72462028342921036072014-07-01T12:14:00.000-07:002014-07-01T12:14:10.068-07:00So You Wanna Live a Great Life? Here's How. Really.<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-azX3oj-_L6A/U7MGv2IfPhI/AAAAAAAABv0/gOq4t83cYoM/s1600/Self+Worth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-azX3oj-_L6A/U7MGv2IfPhI/AAAAAAAABv0/gOq4t83cYoM/s1600/Self+Worth.jpg" /></a>Fundamental to living a great life, in fact, the very critical root of it lies in your ability to relate to <br />
yourself as your highest and best. We tend to use the "results" of our life to determine our worthiness. This is the critical error human beings must unlearn to live a fulfilled life.<br />
<br />
People with absent or distant fathers are particularly prone to making this error. When a child's father is disconnected, physically or emotionally, that child inevitably decides that there must be something wrong with them. Children rely on their fathers as the one human being on the planet that should tell them they're doing a good job, that affirms them and that reminds them that their worth is not tied to their results. Fathers let children know that their worth is inherent and dependent not on what they do but who they are.<br />
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You will know that you are making this error in judgment because your state of joy goes up and down based on your account balances, how hard you worked today or what you achieved recently.<br />
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You will know that you do this, because you judge every thing you do harshly, quipping that whatever it is you have done, could have been a little bit better.<br />
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You will know that you do this, because you have a very vague understanding of what it means to celebrate yourself.<br />
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You will know that you make this critical error, because you spend lots of time suffering or waiting for the big payoff, the big achievement. You probably seek out opportunities and are good at scenarios that require hard work and perseverance for sustained periods of time.<br />
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From this way of seeing yourself, that your worth, value and lovability is tied to what you do, you are forced to do whatever it takes to achieve more self worth. You must achieve more, make more, get more, have newer, better and nicer things, or you will be worthless.<br />
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The problem is that no matter what you achieve or where you get to in life, you're worth or value is only as good as your interpretation of how "well" you're doing in life. And, I don't know about you, but no matter what I have achieved in my life, running 9 marathons, completing an MBA, creating my own company, making a 100k plus per year, being a scuba diver, traveling the world, living in Mexico, learning Spanish, moving to California or having a nice car, I have never found any achievement to create any sense of lasting fulfillment or joy.<br />
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Therefore, you must begin at the root. You must learn to relate to yourself in your highest and best self. You must learn to treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love very deeply.<br />
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Only then can you create the space to live a truly great life. Only then can you en-joy the life you have created. Only then can you celebrate.<br />
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Consider that your number one job in life, the solution and the way to achieving success financially, in your career, as a leader, a parent, a friend, a husband, a wife and all things in between, is learning to relate to yourself as your highest and best self and to practice being loving to yourself as often and for as long as you can stand.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-79338861685485726672014-02-26T14:32:00.001-08:002014-02-26T14:45:35.452-08:00Sadness<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xumiNKRe9RM/Uw5rVhHbqFI/AAAAAAAABrs/-B4-sOojL8c/s1600/sadness_by_gajotnt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xumiNKRe9RM/Uw5rVhHbqFI/AAAAAAAABrs/-B4-sOojL8c/s1600/sadness_by_gajotnt.jpg" height="102" width="200" /></a>When I'm feeling really stuck in life. When I'm having a bad day for whatever reason. When I feel <br />
"off."<br />
<br />
I've come to realize its mostly because I'm sad. Funny, how even saying something so simple, "I'm sad sometimes," feels so incredibly vulnerable.<br />
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It's funny, because being sad is a basic human emotion. It's something that is as natural and as normal as breathing.<br />
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So what's the big deal and how does it relate to kids growing up with absent fathers?<br />
<br />
When I think about the idea of an adorable little human being not having one or both parents, there is nothing more sad to me. That anguish of being 2 or 3 years old and instinctively knowing that there is a huge hole in the very foundation of who you are. That little boy, not knowing or understanding why, just alone, with no words or arts to express their feelings. Helpless, hopeless and at the effect of a scary world without the masculine presence of their father.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
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I think those kids become incredibly resilient to sadness. Carrying that level of sadness could destroy someone, or so it seems to a child. Doing the best that little child of infinite wisdom can, they put the sadness away, far-far away. He compartmentalizes the sadness and rationalizes it away as it arises. They put it away until they can figure out how to deal with it and once there very survival is not in danger.<br />
<br />
That kid grows up into an adult. An adult who is so accustomed to burying sadness and hiding it away, that they don't even know sadness when it stares them right in the face. At which point they push it away, far-far away. He compartmentalizes and rationalizes the feelings away.<br />
<br />
For some of you, you might be thinking... So... What's the big deal. Sadness is no fun and it should be kept at bay.<br />
<br />
Well, keeping any emotion at bay, shaves off part of who we are. When you put a wall on your sadness, you put a wall between you and those you love, you put a wall between you and spirit.<br />
<br />
The catch 22 is that by putting away your sadness, you isolate yourself from others, you starve yourself of connection and relationship, there by recreating the abandonment over and over and over.<br />
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The good news is that if you are reading this, you've already begun the healing process. You've already begun to take those walls down inside of yourself.<br />
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The bad news is that you will have to lean into your sadness over and over, express, be with it, share it and acknowledge it.<br />
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The really good news is that each tiny step you take into your sadness, you will experience and equal step into freedom, aliveness and connection in a way you have not experienced before.<br />
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Cheers to your journey and mine.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-6231304379489971952014-02-25T14:08:00.000-08:002014-02-25T14:08:00.989-08:00Paralyzed by the Reliance on Doing Everything Alone<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZhLSgANXTpw/Uw0T-Y3evDI/AAAAAAAABrM/YhqOb4NN7p8/s1600/do-it-all-yourself-syndrome.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZhLSgANXTpw/Uw0T-Y3evDI/AAAAAAAABrM/YhqOb4NN7p8/s1600/do-it-all-yourself-syndrome.jpg" height="119" width="200" /></a>I find myself paralyzed with moving forward sometimes. I have this feeling that every opportunity that comes my way is a once and only opportunity. And, if I mess it up, it will be the only chance I ever get.<br />
<br />
It's this odd combination of perfection, mandatory success now, fear that it will never happen, and a <br />
harsh focus on what I'm not doing and what is currently wrong.<br />
<br />
I feel captive to the frustration and the emotions and the fear.<br />
<br />
Overall, I see that it is a mistrust of spirit or God and a complete reliance on my self to create everything in my life, all the time, every time.<br />
<br />
I'm tired of doing life this way. I'm exhausted by the experience of having to produce everything in my life all by myself. <br />
<a name='more'></a>I'm exhausted with resisting support and the grace of others. I'm exhausted with never allowing myself space to be human or to mess up and still win.<br />
<br />
I guess this is how it goes sometimes, you have to be present all the way down to the pain in order to be willing to change something. <br />
<br />
I'm exhausted by this too. I'm tired of the pain I require to change.<br />
<br />
Of course, all of these things are the stories I created at a young age to protect myself. With an absent father, I became so terrified of being disappointed by another that I consciously and subconsciously created ways of being that would have me never count on someone else.<br />
<br />
Everything works until it no longer works. This might be happening to you especially if you are going through changes in life: new relationship, expansion in your leadership or responsibility, newfound success, growth of any kind.<br />
<br />
The job is to be present to the pain and the limited ways of being. Get supported. Give yourself space and forgiveness and love.<br />
<br />
Then choose how you would like it to go.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-32483593535153707132013-10-27T12:23:00.001-07:002013-10-29T12:23:25.604-07:00Drama, Drama, Drama<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fopLc4G0gNU/Um1pHsSW7KI/AAAAAAAABkc/D26jUmyjZDw/s1600/procrastination-flowchart-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="115" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fopLc4G0gNU/Um1pHsSW7KI/AAAAAAAABkc/D26jUmyjZDw/s200/procrastination-flowchart-2.jpg" width="200" /></a>Would you call yourself a procrastinator, while others might call you an overachiever? Do others<br />
marvel at your achievements while you relate to yourself as lazy?<br />
<br />
Do you need deadlines and goals to "motivate" yourself and keep you from complete withdrawal?<br />
<br />
Lots of questions here, but what we are really looking at is what drives you. Recently, I have uncovered how much I am driven by drama. People wouldn't neccesarily call me dramatic, but I thrive on drama. Drama in my finances, drama in my fitness, drama in my eating, even drama in going to the bathroom.<br />
<br />
What I mean by drama is that I'm constantly running from a cycle of achieve/avoid/achieve/avoid/achieve/avoid. It's like I need the drama in order to take action. If I don't see the immediate payoff I put it off.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
With food, I often find myself putting off eating until the last possible moment when I'm starving. With money, I just try to make enough to not have to look at it which creates a long running drama of enough and not enough.<br />
<br />
This drama creates a narrow space to exist, somewhere between not too bad and not too much. Its completely safe and I find it difficult to let go of because I've used this way of being to achieve things.<br />
<br />
It's safe because I'm never too much for others and at the same time not too little. It's drama that keeps me small.<br />
<br />
So what do I do with that?<br />
Take the simple, boring steps and actions as a practice.<br />
Take out the ambiguity in your finances.<br />
Stop creating so much drama about the food you eat.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-64950120282863562202013-07-01T14:59:00.003-07:002013-07-01T15:05:27.788-07:00Road Rage, Shame and FreedomMy wife honked her horn, a light tap, aimed at the car in front of her today to remind him that the light had turned green.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zpFQGEM_zVM/UdH7s9eiMFI/AAAAAAAABgM/gbBhxGqSNBk/s507/RoadRage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zpFQGEM_zVM/UdH7s9eiMFI/AAAAAAAABgM/gbBhxGqSNBk/s200/RoadRage.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div>
<br />
<div>
The guy immediately became upset and carried it with him down the road, looking over at us, arms flailing with an angry face, as if she had just punched him in the stomach and ran away.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I probably would have reacted similarly to the angry guy in that moment, reacting with a "Have a little patience," or "Screw you, I'm going." The thing I've learned is that these moments are so silly, so arbitrary, that they must be triggering something deeper inside of us. <br />
<a name='more'></a>Why else would be there such a reaction? You can see this even more clearly when someone goes completely nuts over something really small, aka <b>ROAD RAGE</b>.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Most times it triggers our shame. When someone honks at me I react immediately, as if I need to defend myself, put the blame immediately back on the person honking at me. This helps me avoid feeling like I'm wrong or bad, because I get to make the other person wrong.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That little honk, a suggestion that I'm doing something wrong, immediately triggers the shame I have about all the things I think I'm doing wrong, have done wrong, or should have done better in my life. It turns a harmless honk of a horn into a need to fiercely defend myself; defend myself from the feeling of inadequacy. You see, it's easier to react and make the other person wrong, than to feel the feelings of inadequacy and shame.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's the same thing that goes on in close relationships all the time, especially in romantic relationships. My wife might say something like: "The dishwasher isn't cleaning the dishes all the way," or "So and so has nice furniture." For her, this is simply an observation of something that is true, for me, it brings up all the ways in which I'm failing as a man, how I'm inadequate or how I should be doing a better job.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This cycle is everywhere with everyone and is mostly an automatic reaction, especially for men, even more so for men who have absent or distant fathers. I think a Man's biggest challenge is overcoming the fears of inadequacy that drive every aspect of their life, rather than living their life powerfully and on purpose. This is also one of the biggest things that takes away the freedom most men desperately seek. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The ability to act in service of our deepest intentions is<b> true freedom</b>, most of us, however spend our lives carefully avoiding missteps and managing ourselves so as to avoid any potential failure. It's a prison created by our own fears.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The thing you need to know is:</div>
<div>
a.) The reactions are just thoughts in your head, as meaningless as a fart in the wind.</div>
<div>
b.) The story about how you are inadequate or unworthy if you fail is simply not true.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Practice noticing the reaction in your head. This will give you the opportunity to choose something other than avoiding shame.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This will give you the opportunity to practice true freedom.</div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-36924799337814764042013-06-16T09:31:00.004-07:002013-06-16T09:32:49.272-07:00Picky Eaters and Control Freaks<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="Body">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WDQS_Cmb02Y/Ub3oALqe-2I/AAAAAAAABfw/08JoyndtMJE/s1600/Picky+Eater.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WDQS_Cmb02Y/Ub3oALqe-2I/AAAAAAAABfw/08JoyndtMJE/s200/Picky+Eater.jpg" width="200" /></a>I hate mayonnaise! I didn’t eat a taco or even touch a salad until I was 16.
My mom had the hardest time trying to cook anything that I would eat growing
up.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
It’s one of the few things I could control as a kid, what I put
into my mouth. What I couldn’t control was that people who are supposed to love me (like my dad), sometimes abandon you, physically and emotionally.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
As a kid, my automatic reaction was to figure out how to avoid
having that happen, EVER again. Having control, I thought gave me safety from
others who I couldn’t rely on. No reliance meant no danger.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I sought “safety” in two ways:</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span><!--[endif]-->I
controlled myself so I was never too much or too little of anything like a
hyper vigilant drill sergeant. This way no one would get disappointed in me and
leave.<span style="text-indent: -13pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span><!--[endif]-->Like
a candidate running for a hotly debated political office, I did anything to
control and manage others’ perception of me. This way everybody would like me a
little, which felt safe, but I would never get too close, that way it wouldn’t
hurt as bad if they left.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I didn’t always know I was such a <b>CONTROL FREAK</b>, but I am! I
control myself mostly by trying to be perfect at everything I do, shutting down
my needs, trying to be the nicest, most accommodating person I can be.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
While controlling yourself and others may give an illusion of
safety, it is debilitating to the one who attempts this un-winnable game. After
all, control is an illusion. We don’t really control anything, how long we
live, where we are born, what people think, if we lose a job or get a job, when our loved
ones are lost, what we pay for gas, what the weather is, etc.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>Being a control freak
costs you Connection.</b> When you are too afraid to open your heart to others,
you are left lonely and disconnected. Connection happens in the heart and its
not possible when you have a brick wall of control surrounding yours. And I’m
not just talking about friends and strangers, if you are doing this, it has
impact on all of your relationships, spouse, children and family.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>Being a control freak
costs you Freedom. </b>When you are constantly controlling and managing yourself
based on how you think you should be, you’ve locked yourself in your own
personal prison. If you’re choice is always informed by managing other people’s
perceptions or the critical voice inside of you that tells you how you <b>SHOULD </b>act at all times, you are
completely powerless to choose for you.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
So many of us have run to control to feel safe and be happy yet
it has created one of the biggest obstacles to personal fulfillment.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Here are some practices to support you in loosening the grip of
control.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span><!--[endif]-->The
path to breaking free from your own prison, is first noticing that you are in a
prison.</div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span><!--[endif]-->Notice
everywhere and everything you try to control.</div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->3.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span><!--[endif]-->Notice
all the ways you manage and shut off your opinions or emotions.</div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->4.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span><!--[endif]-->Notice
sacrificing yourself for other’s benefit.</div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->5.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span><!--[endif]-->Notice
your reaction when you don’t get what you want, aka: loss of control.</div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->6.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span><!--[endif]-->If
you need additional support, consider checking out Adult Children of
Alcoholic’s 12 step program, also for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. <a href="http://www.adultchildren.org/">http://www.adultchildren.org</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-33404330397271171082013-05-26T08:18:00.000-07:002013-05-26T08:19:21.222-07:00Learning to Be a Man<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--4uoX6ajxd4/UaInUNYlbBI/AAAAAAAABfY/3_igP-UXkU4/s1600/1269514183_man-in-a-box.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--4uoX6ajxd4/UaInUNYlbBI/AAAAAAAABfY/3_igP-UXkU4/s1600/1269514183_man-in-a-box.jpg" style="cursor: move;" /></a>Most of us think learning to be a man to is about the man things, like learning to shave, how to court <br />
like a gentleman or how to dominate an opponent.<br />
<br />
Speaking for myself, its one of the things I pined over growing up. If only my father had been there, I would have had an easier time navigating this crazy world and being the man I'm supposed to be. I would have had a resource to show me the way, how to fight, how to date, how to play, how to lead.<br />
<br />
One of the things I've been learning lately is what it truly means to be a man. And, that most of us don't learn this, even if our fathers are in our lives.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
To be a real man is to give your gifts, to walk your path, to follow your heart with abandon and without looking back to see if its okay.<br />
<br />
The masculine is truly courageous, a leader, a powerful direction, facing his fears and walking through them purposefully.<br />
<br />
So many men today get stuck in a box that keeps the things they truly want captive to their fear of what others will say or think. Perhaps even more so, they keep the things they truly want captive by not facing their own fears of failure and vulnerability. He makes logical excuses like "it's not responsible", or blames the kids, or he doesn't have enough time, money or knowledge.<br />
<br />
What I know now is that this journey of becoming a real man is up to the each person. When you grow up with an absent or distant father, I believe that we learn as a boy to please others and to look there first. Perhaps the road is harder for us, but fulfillment lies in learning your deepest intentions and pursuing them step by step, moment by moment, courageously spiting your fear on your path to greatness. Fortunately, you were born with a remarkable well of tenacity and courage.<br />
<br />
Please don't turn this into another thing you beat yourself up for, simply start to practice discovering what your intention is and following it.<br />
Do this when you are making dinner plans, making love, standing for what you believe in, saying no, saying yes, planning a date, giving a gift, making a presentation. <br />
<br />
<b>Mostly, stop seeking permission to be who you are. </b><br />
<br />
This is power, this is the masculine, this is your gift.<br />
<br />
You and everyone close to you will develop an incredible trust and respect for you as a Man.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-50320546126199063872013-05-09T09:53:00.003-07:002013-05-09T10:35:26.492-07:00Why Do Dad's Leave?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hkhHpMz3J3g/UYvUObUS55I/AAAAAAAABe8/FEK0BW4x3k0/s1600/Father+leaving+family.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hkhHpMz3J3g/UYvUObUS55I/AAAAAAAABe8/FEK0BW4x3k0/s200/Father+leaving+family.jpg" width="155" /></a>This is a question that has puzzled me for most of my
life. How could a person leave
their own child? <br />
I couldn’t
abandon my dog for God’s sake, or even my cat which I wouldn’t mind most of the
time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I’ve come to an
understanding about why father’s leave their children. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I actually came to this understanding through my own
understanding of when I abandon things. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I abandon things when I’m afraid I won’t do them
perfectly.<br />
<b></b><br />
<a name='more'></a><b><br /></b>
<b>Because, when I do some
thing, I need to do it well, because everything I do has meaning about me, my
worth and my value as a human being.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Rather than feel the feelings of my inadequacy and my deep
rooted shame about not being enough, it seems easier to avoid whatever the task
is. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of this is rooted in the fundamental idea that I’m not
lovable simply for being a human being.
I don’t love myself. So, in
order to prove to myself that I’m lovable or worthy, I do things, I make money,
I achieve, I accommodate others. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now imagine that you are a man who fundamentally believes
you are a complete and utterly inadequate piece of shit, and that there is no
possible way you could ever be enough for your child.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sort of like seeing yourself as the world’s worst singer and
tying all of your value to how you will perform a Karaoke song. Your options are too sing the song, confronting
your deepest fear, the feelings and all the pain of your inadequacy, or avoid
it like the plague. This is what
the absent father does.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YOU avoid anything, you also have the capacity to
abandon.</b> Likely, you subconciously
avoid things on a daily basis. We
all subconsciously avoid feelings we don’t want to feel, especailly our most
shameful feelings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would argue that there isn’t an abandoning father on the
planet who isn’t dealing with immense and deeply buried pain.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is not an excuse to abandon, but a call for compassion,
understanding and a path for our own healing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Healing is the only way to break this cycle. If you aren’t healing your pain, you
are likely to repeat the pattern through your own emotional abandonment of the
relationships most important to you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-89795172737974624202013-05-02T14:01:00.001-07:002013-05-09T10:36:24.692-07:00What do I mean by “Absent” or “Distant” Father?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iSAIcnsQWMw/UYLT7DEconI/AAAAAAAABec/zSQCxspX4e4/s1600/401795_sad_boy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iSAIcnsQWMw/UYLT7DEconI/AAAAAAAABec/zSQCxspX4e4/s200/401795_sad_boy.jpg" width="171" /></a>In my case <b>“Absent”</b> meant pretty much that exactly. My Mom and my Father were dating, my
Mom got </div>
pregnant with me, told my Father and I never met him or even saw a
picture until I was 13 years old.
He remained absent my entire life until he passed away a few years ago.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Absent </b>doesn’t
just mean a deadbeat like my father.
An absent father also includes those who passed away when you were
young, a father who gave you up for adoption, a father who was busy working far
away from home for long periods of time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I notice people making excuses for their parents
not giving them the thing they most wanted as a child. Look, I truly believe your parents and
mine did the best they could with what they had at the time. For that we thank them. Even those fathers who leave and never
come back, like mine did. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b></b><br />
<a name='more'></a><b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>It’s not necessary to
make your parents wrong, in order to deserve having your feelings about the
impact of not getting what you needed as a child. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Find me a child who doesn’t deserve the most perfect,
divine, nurturing love. You can’t
look at a single one of those beautiful little beings and come to any other
conclusion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /><b></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>“Distant Fathers”</b>
come in many forms, but the thread that runs through it all is a lack of
emotional connection to their children.
It is pervasive in America and quite rare, in my experience, to meet a
man who is deeply emotionally connected to their children.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Distant Fathers” stay distant by being absorbed in work, alcohol,
drugs, sports, busy-ness, exhaustion, struggle, money issues, etc.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The important thing here is that, these men aren’t distant
because they’re jerks, most of us men just haven’t learned how to move through
our own fears and our own pain, so that we can be authentic, open and
vulnerably in love with the people in our lives. It takes courage and vulnerability to be love with people,
even your own children.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When your father is emotionally disconnected, a boy has the
experience of being all alone in the world, left to figure it out on their own,
left with an emptiness and a question as to their worth and lovability.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Distant Fathers” have the same impact on their children
that “Absent Fathers” do. The
experience is the same whether its physical abandonment or emotional
abandonement.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s why it is imperative and I am calling all men to
summon the courage to face the fears inside, to acknowledge the pain in service
of movnig through it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Without our
collective step as men, our sons, our daughters and our sweethearts will continue to live with the
devestation of having half of our heart.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-6317057348103898642013-04-30T08:52:00.000-07:002013-05-09T10:36:39.310-07:00Do You Constantly Compare Yourself to Others?<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Yr_vMlhIFfI/UXliFo6t6GI/AAAAAAAABd8/GlI2W7Xz4qU/s1600/apples+for+apples.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="163" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Yr_vMlhIFfI/UXliFo6t6GI/AAAAAAAABd8/GlI2W7Xz4qU/s200/apples+for+apples.jpg" width="200" /></a>Do you compare yourself to everyone, everywhere on everything? Are you always on top or on bottom, <br />
ahead or behind, in any given scenario? <br />
<br />
Take a look, most of us create comparisons in every moment. "They are more successful than me, I am more successful than them." "I'm better at my job than them, but not better than so and so." "I make more money," "They're richer and luckier," "I have a better, car, house, furniture, boat, vacation..." or, "I don't have a better house, car, vacation so that makes me crap and I need to do more, to get that, so I can be as good as them." "She is so skinny." "At least I'm not as fat as her."<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
It's pretty nasty, and it feels pretty nasty when we do it on the inside.<br />
<br />
We compare ourselves to others as a form of protection. It keeps us in the middle, safely protected from our own greatness and safely protected from our deep-rooted fears of not being good enough.<br />
<br />
Because, being our greatness is too much to live up to, and as long as we are better than someone else we are not complete shit.<br />
<br />
The problem with this model is that:<br />
a.) you will never be your greatness, the fullest expression of your brilliant, divine self; and that is a tragedy<br />
b.) you will constantly be striving and struggling to be slightly better than others while feeling like crap because you think you aren't as "good" as others<br />
c.) you are stuck between not being complete shit and being less than your greatness, kind of like a bronze dipped pile of poop<br />
<br />
It's like running an excruciating race for all the years of your life and realizing there is no finish line, no possibility of winning.<br />
<br />
Stop running this insane race! <br />
<br />
If you keep comparing yourself to others, you will never get to a place where you suddenly compare yourself to everyone else, and judge yourself at the top. As long as you are comparing, you will always find someone or something that is "better" than you.<br />
<br />
All of your things are empty and meaningless. <br />
<br />
Let your heart guide you, move you and direct you. <br />
<br />
Fulfillment is what you seek and it can not be found in things, only in your heart and soul.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-55172972905665745952013-04-23T15:52:00.000-07:002013-05-09T10:34:07.667-07:00No Back Stop<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JAjZyZ4XRlE/UXcKH18jXQI/AAAAAAAABds/U5gCef0WrF4/s1600/highrisk.ashx.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="96" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JAjZyZ4XRlE/UXcKH18jXQI/AAAAAAAABds/U5gCef0WrF4/s200/highrisk.ashx.png" width="200" /></a>In my last post, I talked about a day where I made three errors in one inning in a high school baseball <br />
game.<br />
<br />
I'm guessing it's pretty easy for you to understand why that was painful. The humiliation, the embarrassment, and the shame plus being in high school when it happened.<br />
<br />
All of that was unpleasant, but the thing that hurt the most that day and many other days of my life was realizing that I had no <b>back stop</b>. There was no one to pick me up, that had my back, that could tell me I was going to be okay and that a couple of errors didn't mean anything about me. No dad to say, get back in there, "You can do it."<br />
<br />
That's the thing that I think is most devastating about growing up with an absent or distant father. Feeling like you are completely alone in the world, having to fight for yourself every inch of the way. It's like forcing yourself to climb a 14,000-foot mountain with no safety ropes. <br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
It's terrifying, pressure-filled, anxious, lonely and demands constant perfection. <br />
<br />
The thing I didn't know then is that I'm not alone, I do have support, people love me and they do have my back. I just wasn't ready to allow those people to support me. <br />
<br />
It was too dangerous back then. What if the rope breaks? What if the rope isn't in the right place? <br />
<br />
I know now that even if the rope breaks, I'm capable and powerful beyond all potential breakdowns in relationship. I'm no longer a dependent child.<br />
<br />
The other thing I didn't know, or more correctly forgot, is my relationship to Spirit, God, The Universe or whatever you would like to call it. <br />
<br />
The ultimate father is the omni-present, loving and powerful force that animates all things. <br />
<br />
Remembering that this loving force is with you, behind you, in front of you and inside of you at all times is the ultimate path to reconcile our deepest fears.<br />
<br />
When you are in communion with this omni-present, loving force there is nothing to fear, nothing to pine for.<br />
<br />
So Here's a Few Practices to Support You:<br />
<br />
1. Take a look around and make a list of people that would be willing to support you in some way if you needed it. (This can be financial, emotional, physical, etc.)<br />
<br />
2. Practice asking for support from your support circle. The thing we do is stop asking for support which reinforces our story that no one is there for us.<br />
<br />
3. What is your relationship to Spirit? Create one. Pray, read books that source you, be loving to others. Do things that inspire you... which means to be in-spirit.<br />
<br />
4. Please share on this blog if you have had the experience of realizing you didn't have a backstop.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-43803081799456221242013-04-23T15:44:00.000-07:002013-04-23T15:49:25.838-07:00Announcement of Oprah's Life Class on Fatherless SonsThis show is a must watch for men and women who grew up with an absent or distant father.
What I love about this show is that it tells us that we are not alone and that courage is walking through the pain, confronting our fears and interrupting the cycle of absent or distant fathers.<br />
<br />
The second reason is you get to see me share some of my story and talk with Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant.
That's my baby picture at the very end of the video.<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe frameborder="0" height="180" scrolling="no" src="http://www.oprah.com/common/omplayer_embed.html?article_id=42793" width="320"></iframe><br />
<div class="shareTitle">
<br />
First Look: <i>Oprah's Lifeclass</i> on Fatherless Sons</div>
<div class="shareDescription">
What if America's sons didn't have to grow up without their fathers? What difference could it make? It's a problem that's been going on for too long and at too great a cost. And it's time to talk about it.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-12469006149660854962013-04-17T11:42:00.001-07:002013-05-09T10:34:24.096-07:00One of the Worst Days of My Life<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CTpixfdTCms/UW7syFPIo9I/AAAAAAAABdc/3P06gjIc8J8/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CTpixfdTCms/UW7syFPIo9I/AAAAAAAABdc/3P06gjIc8J8/s200/images.jpg" width="132" /></a>There are few experiences that repulse me in my life more than the day I had three fielding errors in one <br />
inning as the starting shortstop on my high school baseball team. Mercifully, my coach pulled me out of the game after the third error.<br />
<br />
Words cannot describe the embarrassment, shame and utter helplessness I felt that day. To this day, I still feel some shame and inadequacy even in sharing with all of you; and I'm still sad that the 15 year old Rodney didn't feel like he had anyone to lean on after that game.<br />
<br />
However, I want to share it because I believe it is fundamental to learning about how we sabotage our potential and our power.<br />
<br />
As a kid, I became so obsessed with my performance, especially in baseball (because I didn't want to disappoint the coach or other dads' watching) that I was no longer playing baseball. I was constantly performing baseball and using it as a way to prove I was worthy and lovable. Perform well meant I'm okay for now, perform poorly meant danger, being shunned, being a disappointment.<br />
<br />
Every play and at bat became about not screwing up, for fear of being rejected or realizing that I truly was unlovable and unworthy.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Consequently, with all of the pressure, self judgment and criticism I put on myself, I began to play poorly. After all, how could you play with all that fear. Play is fun and easy.<br />
<br />
I had all of the skills, fundamentals and work ethic. I could hit, field and hustle, but I couldn't just PLAY any longer. It was like walking through a constant crucible and any man would eventually fold under that level of pressure, much less a 15 year old boy without a dad to tell him it was okay.<br />
<br />
It goes the same in our professional lives. You can only perform under intense pressure for so long, before you crumble, stumble or breakdown.<br />
<br />
We all know that we perform our best, when we give ourselves permission to play full out, without apprehension or fear that we won't do well. Watch any great athlete, watch how they play the game. They do it with a sense of freedom and recklessness. They aren't worried about the last bad shot, or the last season, or how much they practiced.<br />
<br />
They are PLAYING in the moment and that allows their highest and best to emerge, or not, and it doesn't mean anything about their worth, value or lovability, which means they can come back the next day and play at their highest and best.<br />
<br />
I recently moved to Mexico and have gotten the opportunity to play on an adult baseball team here. I'm the only "gringo" on an all Mexican team. This has given me the opportunity to learn to PLAY baseball again and to get that in order to perform something well, you have to PLAY. <br />
Consequently, bringing an attitude of playing to the baseball field 16 years later in Mexico, has me enjoying and playing the sport better than ever.<br />
<br />
Where has your life become a constant performance, a crucible to determine your worth or value? Take a look at your career, or how you stay "busy," or your romantic relationship, or how you are constantly trying to catch up.<br />
<br />
The thing I want to tell you all:<br />
<br />
"You are worthy because you breathe!"<br />
<br />
Practice playing the game of life. Stop relating to yourself as having to prove your worth or value. <br />
<br />
"You are worthy because you breathe!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-41740864520611462362013-04-10T11:00:00.000-07:002013-04-10T11:33:40.403-07:00Scared About Money<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Jvi6OK6Kbmk/UWWinLMcN5I/AAAAAAAABc8/QIHhihxQ-do/s1600/images-2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Jvi6OK6Kbmk/UWWinLMcN5I/AAAAAAAABc8/QIHhihxQ-do/s1600/images-2.jpeg" /></a>Somewhere along the way, I decided that I couldn't count on anyone.<br />
<br />
And, if I couldn't count on anyone to take care of me, that meant I had to always take care of myself. <br />
<br />
Somewhere along the way, I also decided that the amount of money I had or didn't have was the performance indicator for how safe I could feel.<br />
<br />
If I have (<i>by my interpretation</i>) a lot of money, life is good, I'm safe, I'm worthy and free. If I have <i>(by my interpretation</i>) almost no money, life is scary, arduous and hard. Key phrase there is "my interpretation."<br />
<br />
The problem is that my interpretation is always shifting. I am worth more than I have ever been, I live on a beach in Mexico, I have two dogs, a cat, a nice chunk in my retirement savings and today (this very moment), I'm scared as hell about money and if I will have enough.<br />
<br />
The fear about money strikes right through to my fear of being abandoned and not taken care of like a discarded 4 week old puppy. If I interpret I don't have enough, I literally feel as though I'm going to die.<br />
<br />
And, the fear around money then drives me into frantic and spirit breaking action to acquire money to assuage my fears. Or the opposite, put my head in the sand, shut down and pretend that I'm unaffected.<br />
<br />
Either way, with this relationship to money, my fears are, at best, only temporarily at bay. <br />
And, ironically, when I am reacting to fears about money I am less effective in my business, as a coach and in all of my relationships.<br />
<br />
The opportunity here for me is to transform my relationship to money, to trust that I will always be taken care of and to take care of the part of me that gets scared, rather than shunning and trying to throw it in a dungeon where know one will ever find out.<br />
<br />
Consider taking these practices on with me this week:<br />
1. Notice how weird your relationship to money is and how you relate to as your safety.<br />
2. Rather than wildly reacting to your fears about money, take time to take care of your fears.<br />
3. Have compassion for the part of you that gets scared that you will be left alone and not taken care of.<br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Special Note: </b>Oprah's Life Class will be airing a two part series on Fatherless Sons on the OWN Network. I know that it is awesome, because I will be featured as a guest on the show which is planned to air on Sunday, May 5th. More details to come.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-59603211160056994032013-04-05T11:21:00.001-07:002013-10-27T13:07:01.422-07:00The Perfectionist Procrastinator<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-e83LkqTLJQQ/UV8Zjz0GVtI/AAAAAAAABbA/Ww5Tm-wd7HY/s640/blogger-image-1845767165.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-e83LkqTLJQQ/UV8Zjz0GVtI/AAAAAAAABbA/Ww5Tm-wd7HY/s200/blogger-image-1845767165.jpg" width="200" /></a>I haven't posted in a few weeks. I realized I was in one of my avoidance patterns where I put things off because I don't want to face the fact that whatever I do probably won't be perfect. <br />
<br />
Fortunately, this isn't the first time in my life I've noticed this pattern. Having noticed I can choose something different, like the preposterous notion of writing something that isn't perfect, I can interrupt this thing that keeps me from being my fullest expression. <br />
<br />
Procrastination is one of those things that I no longer believe in. I used to be a "procrastinator" and I was really good at it, wait till the last minute, do a bunch of great work at the last minute, in less time than normal and fool everyone, including myself. <br />
<br />
I thought that this was just the way that I was successful, just how I am. Eventually, I got tired of the stress and anxiety that comes along with waiting till the last minute for everything. <br />
As I began to unpack why I put things off all the time, I realized that my "procrastination" was about avoiding experiencing feelings I didn't want to feel. <br />
<br />
Growing up without a father, I found safety in doing things perfectly. "Perfection" it would seem protects you from criticism and disappointment. Imperfection meant an unworthiness to be loved, it meant being a disappointment, it meant being abandoned like a worthless piece of trash. <br />
<br />
So, when I put things off I'm avoiding confronting certain feelings. I don't want to write a blog that isn't good enough because that makes me feel like a worthless disappointment. I don't want to do the laundry that's piled up because it reminds me that I'm a lazy slob (equals unlovable). I don't want to start on the important presentation because I don't want to face that I'm fundamentally inadequate and have to over compensate for that inadequacy. <br />
<br />
Of course, all of that mental chatter and interpretation is not true. It's as regular and unimportant as passing gas. <br />
<br />
So here's the practice:<br />
<br />
1. When you notice yourself "procrastinating," ask yourself: "What's the feeling I am avoiding?"<br />
2. Consciously choose to keep avoiding the feeling or take action in the face of it. <br />
3. Most importantly, stop calling yourself a procrastinator and beating yourself up for it. It's not a life sentence, nor is it true.<br />
<br />
With Love...<br />
<br />
<br />
P.S.- The picture is an "imperfect" picture for this blog and the "imperfect" me, in an "imperfect" place. Victory!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com3Latin America (null)21.269209 -89.738456tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-34858602893360170702013-03-20T10:26:00.001-07:002013-04-10T11:34:20.126-07:00The Joy Lid<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vIpi6bhSHKo/UUnw7uBbiOI/AAAAAAAABao/e44QEMNl9qI/s1600/735169_10100458800137952_268114252_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vIpi6bhSHKo/UUnw7uBbiOI/AAAAAAAABao/e44QEMNl9qI/s200/735169_10100458800137952_268114252_n.jpg" width="138" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I’ve created the life of my dreams, living in Mexico on a
beach and working remotely doing the work I’m meant to do; Work that is
fulfilling and meaningful and energizing, I find myself confronting what I call
the “Joy Lid.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One thing that I uncovered over my journey of healing my
father wound is how I had shut down many of my emotions, especially anger and
sadness. I even remember choosing
to no longer be angry about my father not being there around the age of 13. As you can imagine, a little boy who never
knew his father, I was deeply saddened and angry, but until years later really
had no idea. From my work with a therapist, I realized that this is what kids
do when they have emotions that are too powerful or complex to deal with at a
young age. In some ways, I find it
comical that I actually believed I had no emotion about not having a Dad.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other thing I have learned and experienced firsthand is
that when you shut down emotions on one end of the spectrum, such as sadness
and anger, you equally and automatically shut down emotions on the other end of
the spectrum, such as joy and connection.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I call this the Joy Lid and I’ve been confronting this again
the last few weeks. Like you,
perhaps, I again thought I had gotten through this, that I had opened up my
heart to all of my emotions and thus had broken through the Joy Lid and put
that stuff behind me. Well, like
most human being things, nothing is ever done, it’s just a constant practice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The last few weeks I’ve really had to challenge myself to en-joy
the life I’ve created and to intentionally practice celebrating the life of my
dreams.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you notice that you have a Joy Lid, consider taking on
some of these practices:</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ol>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> Practice expressing your emotions on
purpose. If you notice a hint of
anger, express it in a healthy way.
Scream every curse word you know as angrily and loudly as possible when
you are alone in your car. Break
some bottles in a dumpster or punch a pillow. For sadness, watch a movie that you know makes you sad and
allow yourself to express the emotions of sadness that it stirs up.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Celebrate intentionally even when it feels like
you don’t deserve it and it is stupid.
The more you practice celebrating, the more facility you will have with
joy. </span></li>
</ol>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of these will immediately loosen the lid on your
joy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With Love,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rodney</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-43017357678692053882013-03-13T09:17:00.001-07:002013-04-10T11:35:03.041-07:00Step Dad Never Had A Chance<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sY4UZODcVyU/UUClz9aVywI/AAAAAAAABaY/pt-9MDOtYU4/s1600/images-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sY4UZODcVyU/UUClz9aVywI/AAAAAAAABaY/pt-9MDOtYU4/s200/images-1.jpeg" width="200" /></a>I'm probably not the only step child who has ever had "issues" with their step-parent. My "issues" were nothing too serious, but it's enough to say that there were lots and lots of arguments, resistance and frustration for most of my childhood.<br />
<br />
My step-father came along when I was about 7 years old and was my Mom's first marriage. Until then, it was me and my mom, with loads of help from my Grandma and Grandpa. At first, getting a "Dad" was like opening a Christmas present. Finally, I would have a Dad like the other kids. In many ways it was kind of like the way a new romantic relationship goes (minus the physical part obviously.) <br />
I was so excited about having a Dad and all that I thought that meant. Recently, I was reading some school papers from 3rd grade (around the time my step-dad came along) and I saw that I had wrote that I wanted to be a Sheet Metal Worker (like my step-dad) and that the Los Angeles Dodgers were my favorite baseball team (like my step-dad). <br />
<br />
<i>Please do not mention to anyone else that I said the Dodgers were my favorite baseball team. I was confused and age 7, and it was extremely fleeting. :)</i><br />
<br />
However, as I read that paper, I realized how deeply connected I wanted to be to my step-father, as indicated by saying something as sac-relig as liking the Dodgers over my beloved (to this day) St Louis Cardinals.<br />
<br />
As I grew older and began to take more responsibility for the arguments, resistance and frustration between me and my step-father, I realized how much of a role I had in creating all of it.<br />
<br />
I became aware of the standard I had created for what a "Dad" should be like. (For more on that, check out a previous blog called <a href="http://rodneymueller.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-fantasy-dad.html">"Fantasy Dad."</a>) Prior to my step-dad showing up in my life, I had created an intense picture of what a father was supposed to be like. A complete fantasy where my dad played catch with me everyday, never got angry, loved me, counseled me, coached my little league team and made millions. <br />
<br />
Essentially, anything that could be construed as perfection by a man, that's what I thought a dad was. Dad's, in my mind were like super heroes and definitely not human beings with all of our "imperfections."<br />
<br />
Unknowingly, throughout my childhood, I held my step-dad to this unattainable standard every minute of every day. My step-father is a wonderful man, an honest and loving man, and a man of integrity. From an outside perspective and the healthier one that I have today, I can see that I got really lucky to have such a great model of a man in my life. <br />
<br />
He claimed me as his own from the beginning and treated me as equally as his other children from the very first day. It was such a gift.<br />
<br />
And, because of who I thought he should be, I couldn't experience that gift until many years later. Thankfully, I have had the opportunity to let him know that and apologize for the hard time I gave him. Our relationship has never been better.<br />
<br />
Having this insight has helped me see how I do this to other men and people in leadership positions. Where I decide that anyone in a leadership position should be perfect at all times. <br />
<br />
Notice where you are holding human being to super hero standards. If we can let those standards down, we can experience them for the magical gifts they are.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-71969183423511315622013-03-04T08:00:00.000-08:002013-04-10T11:35:38.156-07:00Broken Open<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D_kWo2DJo8w/UTK9RYePZXI/AAAAAAAABaI/1YzKPW3d7kk/s1600/28874.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D_kWo2DJo8w/UTK9RYePZXI/AAAAAAAABaI/1YzKPW3d7kk/s200/28874.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
If you have been dumped and you can't figure out why the heck it hurt so confusingly much.<br />
<br />
I may have an idea... <br />
<br />
It's strange how our patterns in relationship reflect our childhood pain. I was a bit awkward growing up and didn't really date anyone until I was 16. When I did, they tended to be long term committedrelationships I was always the one that broke it off first and when I broke it off, I did it in a way that ensured that they were still my friend afterwards. (Or tried to anyways)<br />
<br />
I realized later that this was fueled by the part of me that fiercely resisted anyone leaving me. I can only apologize now to those I dated for the way I left them hanging on and subconsciously acted in a way that wouldn't let them all the way go. I'm really sorry, if I had known better I would have done better. And, I trust that we were both learning the lessons that we were meant to.<br />
<br />
Now, onto the breakup. Somehow, I managed to only be broken up with once. I think one of the things I looked for when entering a relationship was safety and a near guarantee that the other person wasn't going to be doing the leaving. <br />
<br />
Well, at some point in my 20's, I made one of the most painful and most important errors of my life. I chose to date a girl who wasn't safe or real for that matter, just beautiful and full of energy. It was at a time when I was most consumed by my own ego and had buried my pain so deep that I didn't even know it existed. <br />
<br />
We only dated for a few months, but the wound it opened mystified me. I was devastated, heartbroken and embarrassingly obsessed with having it go differently. After about a year of pining over someone that I had only dated for a few months, and knew quite clearly in my head, that in no way was this the kind of girl I wanted to be with, I still couldn't shake the painful feelings. <br />
<br />
About this time, I was reading Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now and I turned to a chapter that talked about the Relationship Pain Body. Suddenly, it dawned on me that what I was experiencing was the pain of abandonment. I had been abandoned by someone I opened my heart to and that I cared about. Suddenly, it all made sense. Of course, I wasn't pining for this girl that I had only dated a few months, I was mourning and confronting the painful feelings I had buried long ago as I realized I had no Dad.<br />
<br />
Now, this could have gone two ways...<br />
1. Never open that door (my heart) again. Close it shut and cover up the pain with alcohol, sex and achievement.<br />
2. Allow this experience to begin the most important journey of my life. The journey to healing the deep pain left by the absence of my father.<br />
<br />
Fortunately for me and you, I chose the second path. This began a period of healing that continues today and has included a rigorous being based coach training program, 2 years of therapy and the opportunity to be married to one of the sweetest, safest and loving women in the world.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8734024054321148376.post-69932886005939115122013-02-25T08:43:00.001-08:002013-04-10T11:36:31.360-07:00The Gift of the Absent Father<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2SX3kPN36vg/USuUhj7TiTI/AAAAAAAABZs/ZPwZLLAHgkY/s1600/P1050070.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2SX3kPN36vg/USuUhj7TiTI/AAAAAAAABZs/ZPwZLLAHgkY/s200/P1050070.JPG" width="200" /></a>My wife and I are about to embark on our next big adventure. We've forged an amazing bond through our travels through Europe, Bali, the Caribbean and others. Wherever we go, we always explore and get off the beaten path, usually with a backpack and an agenda to have <u>no agenda</u>, to let our spirit and randomness take us where it wants to. <br />
<br />
This time we are moving to Mexico with our two dogs, a cat and a Yakima sky box on the roof of our Honda Pilot. <br />
<br />
It dawned on me today how fortunate I am to have been given this sense of independence and adventure. It's a confidence that I can go and do anything, anywhere. I've had it since I was young, when I would ride the bus to St Louis to go to Cardinals games at 14 by myself or when I sold a 100 items for a school fundraiser so I could win a Nintendo. <br />
<br />
This spirit of independence and adventure has lead me to success in sales, in the Army, in college and today as an entrepreneur. <br />
<br />
This is the gift of my absent father. I realized that perhaps my father was absent just so I could have the courage and the independence to go on crazy adventures with my wife, just so I could break free from an employer and do the work I am meant to do as a coach. <br />
<br />
Today I celebrate the independence in me and in you. We are powerful and resilient. We were given a gift and tempered in this way for a reason. <br />
<br />
Our job is to heal the pain that tells us <b>we have to</b> do it by ourselves; while honoring our ability to do it by ourselves. <br />
<br />
If we can honor our ability to be independent and learn to allow love and support from others, our power and potential is unlimited.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02090178153438424805noreply@blogger.com0