Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Will You Help Me Move?
So what's the big deal? Well, the process of moving, is where I became aware of the deep roots of how dangerous I think it is to get supported by others. In most areas of my life, I am able to get by without asking for too much help from other people.
However, moving sucks sooo bad that even "Mr. Do It All By Myself"(me) is willing to ask for help.
Of course, I've realized that my aversion to support is not because I enjoy doing things by myself. It just seems safer. Absent my father, I made up that I could not rely on anyone and to do so, from here on out, was way too risky.
No way was I ever going to experience the pain, on any level, of being supremely disappointed by someone I was vulnerable to.
Now, consciously I know that asking my best friend or my incredibly gracious, loving and supportive in-laws is not going to lead to excruciating pain and isolation, but it doesn't matter, the same old roots of that pain, of being left to fend for myself and the fear of realizing that maybe I'm not worth being helped is almost too much.
The other part of this is that there is a scared part of me that fundamentally believes that I'm not worthy of being helped or supported even by the people that love me the most.
And, I'm afraid that if I ask for help, they will think I'm needy and not love me anymore. It's kind of like me not wanting to rock the boat, or push my luck too far.
"Just be happy that they haven't left you," is what the voice says.
This blocks me and you from having the full experience of being loved and supported and contributed to. You might notice you are also uncomfortable with receiving gifts or being celebrated.
If you won't do it for yourself, please do it for the little boy or girl version of you, that was heartbroken by the absence of a parent and deprived of the love they so desperately wanted.
The only way out is to love yourself and practice allowing others to love you. Its the antithesis of your story.
I Love You and You Are Worthy.