Wednesday, February 26, 2014


When I'm feeling really stuck in life. When I'm having a bad day for whatever reason. When I feel

I've come to realize its mostly because I'm sad. Funny, how even saying something so simple, "I'm sad sometimes," feels so incredibly vulnerable.

It's funny, because being sad is a basic human emotion. It's something that is as natural and as normal as breathing.

So what's the big deal and how does it relate to kids growing up with absent fathers?

When I think about the idea of an adorable little human being not having one or both parents, there is nothing more sad to me.  That anguish of being 2 or 3 years old and instinctively knowing that there is a huge hole in the very foundation of who you are. That little boy, not knowing or understanding why, just alone, with no words or arts to express their feelings. Helpless, hopeless and at the effect of a scary world without the masculine presence of their father.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Paralyzed by the Reliance on Doing Everything Alone

I find myself paralyzed with moving forward sometimes. I have this feeling that every opportunity that comes my way is a once and only opportunity. And, if I mess it up, it will be the only chance I ever get.

It's this odd combination of perfection, mandatory success now, fear that it will never happen, and a
harsh focus on what I'm not doing and what is currently wrong.

I feel captive to the frustration and the emotions and the fear.

Overall, I see that it is a mistrust of spirit or God and a complete reliance on my self to create everything in my life, all the time, every time.

I'm tired of doing life this way. I'm exhausted by the experience of having to produce everything in my life all by myself.