Monday, March 4, 2013
I may have an idea...
It's strange how our patterns in relationship reflect our childhood pain. I was a bit awkward growing up and didn't really date anyone until I was 16. When I did, they tended to be long term committedrelationships I was always the one that broke it off first and when I broke it off, I did it in a way that ensured that they were still my friend afterwards. (Or tried to anyways)
I realized later that this was fueled by the part of me that fiercely resisted anyone leaving me. I can only apologize now to those I dated for the way I left them hanging on and subconsciously acted in a way that wouldn't let them all the way go. I'm really sorry, if I had known better I would have done better. And, I trust that we were both learning the lessons that we were meant to.
Now, onto the breakup. Somehow, I managed to only be broken up with once. I think one of the things I looked for when entering a relationship was safety and a near guarantee that the other person wasn't going to be doing the leaving.
Well, at some point in my 20's, I made one of the most painful and most important errors of my life. I chose to date a girl who wasn't safe or real for that matter, just beautiful and full of energy. It was at a time when I was most consumed by my own ego and had buried my pain so deep that I didn't even know it existed.
We only dated for a few months, but the wound it opened mystified me. I was devastated, heartbroken and embarrassingly obsessed with having it go differently. After about a year of pining over someone that I had only dated for a few months, and knew quite clearly in my head, that in no way was this the kind of girl I wanted to be with, I still couldn't shake the painful feelings.
About this time, I was reading Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now and I turned to a chapter that talked about the Relationship Pain Body. Suddenly, it dawned on me that what I was experiencing was the pain of abandonment. I had been abandoned by someone I opened my heart to and that I cared about. Suddenly, it all made sense. Of course, I wasn't pining for this girl that I had only dated a few months, I was mourning and confronting the painful feelings I had buried long ago as I realized I had no Dad.
Now, this could have gone two ways...
1. Never open that door (my heart) again. Close it shut and cover up the pain with alcohol, sex and achievement.
2. Allow this experience to begin the most important journey of my life. The journey to healing the deep pain left by the absence of my father.
Fortunately for me and you, I chose the second path. This began a period of healing that continues today and has included a rigorous being based coach training program, 2 years of therapy and the opportunity to be married to one of the sweetest, safest and loving women in the world.