Somewhere along the way, I decided that I couldn't count on anyone.
And, if I couldn't count on anyone to take care of me, that meant I had to always take care of myself.
Somewhere along the way, I also decided that the amount of money I had or didn't have was the performance indicator for how safe I could feel.
If I have (by my interpretation) a lot of money, life is good, I'm safe, I'm worthy and free. If I have (by my interpretation) almost no money, life is scary, arduous and hard. Key phrase there is "my interpretation."
The problem is that my interpretation is always shifting. I am worth more than I have ever been, I live on a beach in Mexico, I have two dogs, a cat, a nice chunk in my retirement savings and today (this very moment), I'm scared as hell about money and if I will have enough.
The fear about money strikes right through to my fear of being abandoned and not taken care of like a discarded 4 week old puppy. If I interpret I don't have enough, I literally feel as though I'm going to die.
And, the fear around money then drives me into frantic and spirit breaking action to acquire money to assuage my fears. Or the opposite, put my head in the sand, shut down and pretend that I'm unaffected.
Either way, with this relationship to money, my fears are, at best, only temporarily at bay.
And, ironically, when I am reacting to fears about money I am less effective in my business, as a coach and in all of my relationships.
The opportunity here for me is to transform my relationship to money, to trust that I will always be taken care of and to take care of the part of me that gets scared, rather than shunning and trying to throw it in a dungeon where know one will ever find out.
Consider taking these practices on with me this week:
1. Notice how weird your relationship to money is and how you relate to as your safety.
2. Rather than wildly reacting to your fears about money, take time to take care of your fears.
3. Have compassion for the part of you that gets scared that you will be left alone and not taken care of.
Special Note: Oprah's Life Class will be airing a two part series on Fatherless Sons on the OWN Network. I know that it is awesome, because I will be featured as a guest on the show which is planned to air on Sunday, May 5th. More details to come.