I find myself paralyzed with moving forward sometimes. I have this feeling that every opportunity that comes my way is a once and only opportunity. And, if I mess it up, it will be the only chance I ever get.
It's this odd combination of perfection, mandatory success now, fear that it will never happen, and a
harsh focus on what I'm not doing and what is currently wrong.
I feel captive to the frustration and the emotions and the fear.
Overall, I see that it is a mistrust of spirit or God and a complete reliance on my self to create everything in my life, all the time, every time.
I'm tired of doing life this way. I'm exhausted by the experience of having to produce everything in my life all by myself.
I'm exhausted with resisting support and the grace of others. I'm exhausted with never allowing myself space to be human or to mess up and still win.
I guess this is how it goes sometimes, you have to be present all the way down to the pain in order to be willing to change something.
I'm exhausted by this too. I'm tired of the pain I require to change.
Of course, all of these things are the stories I created at a young age to protect myself. With an absent father, I became so terrified of being disappointed by another that I consciously and subconsciously created ways of being that would have me never count on someone else.
Everything works until it no longer works. This might be happening to you especially if you are going through changes in life: new relationship, expansion in your leadership or responsibility, newfound success, growth of any kind.
The job is to be present to the pain and the limited ways of being. Get supported. Give yourself space and forgiveness and love.
Then choose how you would like it to go.