Learning to Be a Man

Most of us think learning to be a man to is about the man things, like learning to shave, how to court
like a gentleman or how to dominate an opponent.

Speaking for myself, its one of the things I pined over growing up. If only my father had been there, I would have had an easier time navigating this crazy world and being the man I'm supposed to be. I would have had a resource to show me the way, how to fight, how to date, how to play, how to lead.

One of the things I've been learning lately is what it truly means to be a man. And, that most of us don't learn this, even if our fathers are in our lives.

Why Do Dad's Leave?

This is a question that has puzzled me for most of my life.  How could a person leave their own child? 
I couldn’t abandon my dog for God’s sake, or even my cat which I wouldn’t mind most of the time.

I’ve come to an understanding about why father’s leave their children.

I actually came to this understanding through my own understanding of when I abandon things.

I abandon things when I’m afraid I won’t do them perfectly.

What do I mean by “Absent” or “Distant” Father?

In my case “Absent” meant pretty much that exactly.  My Mom and my Father were dating, my Mom got

pregnant with me, told my Father and I never met him or even saw a picture until I was 13 years old.  He remained absent my entire life until he passed away a few years ago.

Absent doesn’t just mean a deadbeat like my father.  An absent father also includes those who passed away when you were young, a father who gave you up for adoption, a father who was busy working far away from home for long periods of time.

Sometimes I notice people making excuses for their parents not giving them the thing they most wanted as a child.  Look, I truly believe your parents and mine did the best they could with what they had at the time.  For that we thank them.  Even those fathers who leave and never come back, like mine did. 

Do You Constantly Compare Yourself to Others?

Do you compare yourself to everyone, everywhere on everything?  Are you always on top or on bottom,
ahead or behind, in any given scenario?

Take a look, most of us create comparisons in every moment. "They are more successful than me, I am more successful than them."  "I'm better at my job than them, but not better than so and so."  "I make more money,"  "They're richer and luckier,"  "I have a better, car, house, furniture, boat, vacation..." or, "I don't have a better house, car, vacation so that makes me crap and I need to do more, to get that, so I can be as good as them."  "She is so skinny."  "At least I'm not as fat as her."

No Back Stop

In my last post, I talked about a day where I made three errors in one inning in a high school baseball
game.

I'm guessing it's pretty easy for you to understand why that was painful. The humiliation, the embarrassment, and the shame plus being in high school when it happened.

All of that was unpleasant, but the thing that hurt the most that day and many other days of my life was realizing that I had no back stop.  There was no one to pick me up, that had my back, that could tell me I was going to be okay and that a couple of errors didn't mean anything about me.  No dad to say, get back in there, "You can do it."

That's the thing that I think is most devastating about growing up with an absent or distant father.  Feeling like you are completely alone in the world, having to fight for yourself every inch of the way.  It's like forcing yourself to climb a 14,000-foot mountain with no safety ropes.