No One is Coming For You

Sometimes I feel like I am stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat. I row as hard as I can, I
row through exhaustion, fear, despair and stress; and as hard as I row I still find myself in the middle of the ocean, no land in sight.

So then I stop rowing, I get sad but I'm too afraid (or to proud) to actually feel that so I lie there in isolation, unwilling to move or do anything until I get scared enough to do something again.

All the while, hoping that someone will rescue me, that some how someone will find me, see that I need help and bring me to shore.

This is how the child of an absent father goes through life. We try as hard as we can, we work harder, we do more, we suffer, we do anything to achieve.

So You Wanna Live a Great Life? Here's How. Really.

Fundamental to living a great life, in fact, the very critical root of it lies in your ability to relate to
yourself as your highest and best. We tend to use the "results" of our life to determine our worthiness. This is the critical error human beings must unlearn to live a fulfilled life.

People with absent or distant fathers are particularly prone to making this error. When a child's father is disconnected, physically or emotionally, that child inevitably decides that there must be something wrong with them. Children rely on their fathers as the one human being on the planet that should tell them they're doing a good job, that affirms them and that reminds them that their worth is not tied to their results. Fathers let children know that their worth is inherent and dependent not on what they do but who they are.

You will know that you are making this error in judgment because your state of joy goes up and down based on your account balances, how hard you worked today or what you achieved recently.

Sadness

When I'm feeling really stuck in life. When I'm having a bad day for whatever reason. When I feel
"off."

I've come to realize its mostly because I'm sad. Funny, how even saying something so simple, "I'm sad sometimes," feels so incredibly vulnerable.

It's funny, because being sad is a basic human emotion. It's something that is as natural and as normal as breathing.

So what's the big deal and how does it relate to kids growing up with absent fathers?

When I think about the idea of an adorable little human being not having one or both parents, there is nothing more sad to me.  That anguish of being 2 or 3 years old and instinctively knowing that there is a huge hole in the very foundation of who you are. That little boy, not knowing or understanding why, just alone, with no words or arts to express their feelings. Helpless, hopeless and at the effect of a scary world without the masculine presence of their father.

Paralyzed by the Reliance on Doing Everything Alone

I find myself paralyzed with moving forward sometimes. I have this feeling that every opportunity that comes my way is a once and only opportunity. And, if I mess it up, it will be the only chance I ever get.

It's this odd combination of perfection, mandatory success now, fear that it will never happen, and a
harsh focus on what I'm not doing and what is currently wrong.

I feel captive to the frustration and the emotions and the fear.

Overall, I see that it is a mistrust of spirit or God and a complete reliance on my self to create everything in my life, all the time, every time.

I'm tired of doing life this way. I'm exhausted by the experience of having to produce everything in my life all by myself.

Drama, Drama, Drama

Would you call yourself a procrastinator, while others might call you an overachiever? Do others
marvel at your achievements while you relate to yourself as lazy?

Do you need deadlines and goals to "motivate" yourself and keep you from complete withdrawal?

Lots of questions here, but what we are really looking at is what drives you. Recently, I have uncovered how much I am driven by drama. People wouldn't neccesarily call me dramatic, but I thrive on drama. Drama in my finances, drama in my fitness, drama in my eating, even drama in going to the bathroom.

What I mean by drama is that I'm constantly running from a cycle of achieve/avoid/achieve/avoid/achieve/avoid.  It's like I need the drama in order to take action. If I don't see the immediate payoff I put it off.